eurgh, why do i look vaguely like some hipster or something? & you can't even see the bracelets in this.

i'm just really sick of hipster indie cleverness. i mean, i'm a cynical person, but apparently i have my moments of optimism (perish the thought), & this "cleverness" that just seems to pervade most sites i end up on seems somewhat opposite of feeling, if that makes any sense...? like, okay, fine, you can write some word or some quote in your neat little artsy lettering, or you can get some skinny-ass girl to bend over like she's in despair or something, but guess what? your "indie-ness" is hackneyed. it's overused, it's not fresh. i'm uncomfortable now with some of the images i've saved onto this thing (still-unnamed-laptop) because they're the kind i'm starting to get sick of. or just, i don't know, it's difficult to describe.

i'm not trying to insult anyone, or their way of being or ideas of beauty. it just seems like there's some sort of glut on such images, where some sort of modern writer's quote has been written in fancy lettering in a moleskinnie, next to either some "artsy" drawing or a model cut out from a magazine. and, just, i'm sure many, if not all, of such images are still made from feeling & honest intentions, but you see it everywhere now, so that it feels forced, it feels overused, & you find yourself asking, now, is this actually the person's style, or are they just trying to be "artsy," & trying too hard? it feels hackneyed & dull, & devoid of true feeling. this obviously goes into what each individual thinks is "art," of course, which is a discussion i always hate to get into, because people can get so angry (it ranks up there with religion & politics, which seems kind of odd, if you think about it) because it's so individual to a person. i found myself backed into a corner one day when i made a face at mentioning Thomas Kinkade, & was asked why i felt that way. i can't even really name it; it's just something about that stuff that turns me off & away. but that doesn't hold up as an argument. it all depends on the person, & oftentimes, likes & dislikes don't come with a nice explanation tacked on. sometimes dislikes can be very mean & hurtful.

but really, all in all, i just feel sick & tired of seeing these "artsy" little things that don't feel right. they feel like they're trying too hard, more like they're trying to fit into a lifestyle more than anything else. they don't feel sincere, they feel jaded. i think that's what's bothering me the most. me, a total pessimist, feels like these things are jaded in the most uncomfortable way. i can't describe it; i feel like there's a difference to my cynical pessimism-- in which i can be very mean, very uncaring about pretty much everything-- & the weird, artsy jaded feeling that i get from these drawings & pictures & things. i feel like outright, "fuck-the-world-because-it-sucks" pessimism feels more real than some overused quote in fancy lettering next to some skinny pretty magazine model. i mean, hello. how the hell does that add up, how does that work?

i'm probably being contradictory in my arguments, & a hypocrite to boot. but i really fail to see how these are so liked, when so many of them feel like void. i think you can tell when someone's bullshitting & when they're not. when they're trying too hard to sound or look or seem "artsy" & "different." i'm not saying i'm any better. oftentimes i feel like one could look through my own sketchbook & see that. but then, on the other hand, you have to try out new & different things, & not feel shackled to one way of making or doing things. apparently, writers get told there is a finite number of plots; music students get told there are a finite number of scales. you don't really have that in visual art. maybe that's why so many people just go & do whatever. on the one hand, i know what things make me roll my eyes, but on the other, how bad would it be if we were told, "well, you can't do x, y, & z." and that does get said, i think, in some places. what, you want to do narrative art? that's illustration; ewwww-- like it's any less of an art? simply because it's narrative & not artsily abstract & filled with the current "artsy" trappings, & is devoid of an artist statement like, "i am interested in the spaces between people and the planets and birds sitting on wires." (i dunno, that doesn't illustrate my point, i don't think.)

what it comes down to, i guess, is just that i have these certain preferences. i feel like certain things try too hard to be stereotypically "indie" or "artsy," & that this seems to be the prevailing idea nowadays when it comes to art. it seems more about some sort of lifestyle that's been glamorized that people want to have. it's not about making things, or you can tell when it's sincere & when it's bullshit, when it's just about "omg look i'm so, like, different & artsy." maybe i'm being mean & hypocritical & maybe i just need to shut up & let people just be. but it's just been nagging me a little bit more recently. it's like, it wants to try & be artsy & maybe glamorizes a lifestyle & emotions & things (especially more depressive emotions, because i guess that's artsy too. i don't even know. don't glamorize feeling like shit, come on), but it feels jaded & devoid of actual emotion. like, i mean, going with the whole idea of "feeling depressive is suddenly cool or something"-- i think there's something behind the idea that more creative types have issues (or whatever you want to call it), which lends itself to creating (when it's not debilitating), but i think that there are people who have taken that notion & glamorized it, like it's cool or something, or the hallmark of a true artist. of course, most people might say they wouldn't give up such horrible feelings, because when they're happy, they can't make anything worthwhile. i'm not talking about that, not about people who actually feel this way because that's just their temperament, how they are; i'm talking about people who, it just feels like in trying too hard & trying to have this lifestyle, they reason that, well, they ought to feel depressed too, but oh, what a lovely thing it must be. they romanticize it & turn it into something more pleasant. some romantic ideas, you know, may feel near the mark or close to home to someone who really actually has such feelings, but the whole idea of it being "cool" & marketable somehow, & of "collages" consisting of pretty, skinny, kind-of-worried-looking model girls & oh, just look at the depths of my emotion-- it's worthy of many an eyeroll. and i'm probably being mean again. have you seen me capitalized anything but proper nouns? most might chalk this up to be being "artsy." i call it being in a chair that demands you switch positions, one of which is not very condusive to using the shift key very often, so i get lazy. the point of that tangent being, really, that i probably cannot talk, that i do & maybe even feel things that could be exactly what i claim to dislike.

and even so, it is all simply my own feelings. and really, i wouldn't force them on anyone. not even when i see a canvas painted white would i want someone to decree what you can & can't do in art. because really, it's awesome that it has room to do so much in, & is so flexible, & all that. that doesn't keep me from feeling aggravated with certain aspects of it. and the same could go for anything (& really, i'm pretty annoyed by a lot of things): "artsy" things, clueless preps ("what does 'habitual' mean?" swear to god. and we are in COLLEGE), vulgar gangsta boys, vulgar males in general (remember, i want to deck the douches, which include at least two of my cousins!), &c., &c. and at the same time you have to remember that there are exceptions to the rule, & that people are people, with lives & feelings. but a lot of the time, it feels so aggravatingly unfair to have to remember that when you're fed up with things, when other people are so carelessly unthinking. so, i don't know, OH WELL, we're going to get angry & annoyed with people, & we're going to bitch. that's what i do just about every single day. and i get accused of making sweeping generalizations. so you see just what kind of a person i am.

all this because of some derpy-ass webcam picture; what the hell. and my japanese final is soon, & then russian one is at 3, & i'm tired & feeling kind of lonely & cold & hungry. yeah, i know, "b'awwwww, poor baby, now shut the fuck up." oh well.